12 Sep Are You Secretly Hiding?
Article written Suzy Reading – Chartered Psychologist
Everyone’s different. It’s a common refrain. And it’s true, everyone is different. A combination of background, life experience and natural brain variation inevitably influences a person’s perception of the world and how they interact with those around them.
Yet when challenging feelings emerge, the advice is often the same – square in the face is the way to go. Don’t avoid them, they’ll only fester and, potentially, become more problematic. And, again, there’s a lot of truth here. But sometimes, and for some people, it’s also okay not to confront difficult emotions straightaway. It’s all right to put them on the back burner for a while and focus instead on a much-loved activity, such as reading or listening to music, or an inessential task – an untidy kitchen cupboard can come in so handy.
Sometimes there’s a need to move away from a challenging emotion and find space. It’s also natural to seek respite at those times when the worries of the world are felt solely and heavily or life has dealt a harsh blow or painful loss. This doesn’t mean ignoring the situation full-stop. Whatever the reason for the emotional turmoil, be it grief after the death of a loved one, fear that a personal ambition might never be realised or anxiety about a friend’s controlling behaviour, part of a long-term solution involves exploring and understanding what’s going on and finding ways to manage it.
It’s often useful to take a moment’s distraction, to know a problem or emotion needs attention but consciously leave it until later. If that later seems to be forever slipping further into the distance, however, it might be time to put down the book, switch the music off, and close the kitchen cupboard. Everyone is different and there’s no one-size-fits-all solution, but don’t struggle with challenging emotions in silence – ask for help.
Cost of camouflaging
The concept of masking who you are, or how you are, or how you really feel has gained prominence in recent years, driven by the awareness raised around the pressure people feel they have to behave in neurotypical ways. A recent study showed that non-autistic people also mask if they feel they’ll be stigmatised for being themselves. The cost of camouflaging can leave you feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, depressed and with a sense that no one knows who you really are. It makes sense to create a shell around yourself in tough times.
In plain sight
Hiding doesn’t mean you aren’t working, striving or even hustling, your face may be prominent at work, at home or on social media, but on a deeper level, you may know (or suspect) that you’re keeping your true self secret. It’s because you have internalised a message that it is not ok to be who you are, that you’re somehow doing it wrong. Over time, this creates a feeling of isolation as the outer you is disconnected from the inner you. Hiding shows up in a myriad of ways that could affect work, relationships, and confidence. ‘In the workplace, you can feel that you have to hide the demands of your work life so people won’t question your loyalty, commitment and ability to perform.
The question is how do you overcome and recover from hiding yourself?
Suzy says ‘Recovery is about supporting the nervous system to feel safe – and self-compassion is the most accessible thing we can do for ourselves, she says, send a positive internal message to yourself daily, such as ‘I have the right to take up space. I have the right to be here. There is also the option of investing in Acceptance & Commitment therapy if deep routed, getting help from an expert to help unravel.
Breaking Cover – Exploring ways to take the mask off
- Take Baby Steps there’s no hurry – healing is a lifelong journey
- Develop Self-Trust freewriting can help develop self-trust, simply sit with a notebook and spill out whatever’s on your mind
- Don’t Be A Superhero there’s a lot to be said for self-care, but never forget that you also need to be cared for by others